"A Blast From The Past"

2005-08-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

Click here: Are You Lonesome Tonight (Senior Citizen Version)

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)

Are you lonesome tonight?Does your tummy feel tight?

Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,To that bright sunny day,When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?

Your eyes growing dim?

Hysterectomy for her,And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?

Do your knees predict rain?

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?

Good cholesterol down?

Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,Metamucil to boot.

Helps you run likeA well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,He sure knows the score.

Yes, he knows where it's atBut forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,But your gout lingers on,Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,When you're cold, he is hot,Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,He goes left and you go right,Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,So witty and smart;

How did he turn out to be such

A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.

My reserved spot!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.2) Wrinkles don't hurt.3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.3) You are Santa Claus.4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is ... not piddling in your pants.At age 12 success is... having friends.At age 17 success is ... having a drivers licence.At age 35 success is ... having money.At age 50 success is ... having money.At age 70 success is ... having a drivers licence.At age 75 success is ... having friends.At age 80 success is ... not piddling in your pants.

======A Farmer's Advice======
Your fences need to be
horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and
lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow
around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably
faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak in your ears are
whispered - not yelled.
Forgive your enemies. It
messes up their heads.
When you wallow with pigs,
expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not
preached.
If you find yourself in a hole,
the first thing to do is stop digging.
Always drink upstream from the
herd.

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